| friends |
[14 Jan 2010|10:36am] |
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locked.
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| consider this a friends only sort of biography, kids. |
[12 Nov 2008|10:39am] |
( facts )
( original band name, Delicate in the Decadence. Currently no quoted lyrics/songs/videos )
New York City was always my home. And when I think of home, I think of a place that makes you feel safe and secure, a place where you can see just how far you can push yourself to be all that you can be, a place that will make you shine. New York City was the beginning and the end of my band with a boy named Jackson, but worth every minute of it. It was amazing. We worked so well together. Inside the band and out. He had my heart wrapped around his fingers, similar to the way he would wrap his microphone cord around his neck I think. It was never a real relationship. It was a friendship gone completely right, then completely wrong. We worked too well together. We could have had one of the most intense relationships with the most intense outcomes but we gave up and I backed out.
My heart floats around easily. A simple smile, warm embrace, a sweet whisper - it's all I need to start to gain interest and I know that's not good. I trust too easily, let my guard down too fast and dive in head first. Well, did. Every single time this would happen, my mind would wander back to the same person. The same person that I pushed aside and forced myself to forget. I did everything in my power to rid him from my memory. I tried the abuse route - the awful relationships that were ten times more painful then anything he ever did to me, but it failed. I tried the typical, the one everyone knew I would fall back to, the drug route. Without my lifeline, without my best friend.. slipping back in was as easy as ever. Everything I knew I learned from Jackson, and it was wonderful and devastating both at the same time. Again, those things never took this one person from my mind. I tried to keep myself occupied on finding places to stay. A friend to crash with here, a place to rent for a week or so there. Nothing, not one person, not one place, not one drug or one drink could take him from my mind.
There are reasons I moved back to Miami. Love wasn't it. Adoration wasn't it either. Fear was a huge part of it. Being alone never worked for me. I got into trouble in New York City, had no way out, and did everything I could to get as far away as possible. And the only place I could think of to head was straight back to Miami. To knock on the familiar door in the familiar south beach apartment. Which once again blew up in my face. A promise here, a familiar touch there - we were back on the road to disaster. I loved him with all of me. I loved him unconditionally. I loved him through thick and through thin. He promised the same. I believed him. I believe him. But sometimes love doesn't cut it. And no matter how much you love someone, it doesn't mean you work. It doesn't mean a relationship will work. It doesn't mean a new life will happen. It just means you're human and capable of emotions.
Ruined relationships are my thing. I collect them like keepsakes, I think. I store their memories in the back of my mind and bring them out when it's time for inspiration. I'm a writer of sorts. I write lyrics that I later sing infront of audiences that somehow pretend to comprehend what I'm going through. Maybe they get it. Maybe they don't. But they enjoy it either way. Being the lead singer of a fairly large band is pretty great right now. We play some pretty large shows. Hopefully we'll spend our summer on the road with Warped Tour. Did both Bamboozle Left and Bamboozle these last few weeks and.. Have been having a blast.
While having a blast I did my best to bring the one person who was always there for me along for the ride. He was always off to the side - always there, but not physically. I never realized but if I needed him, he'd be there. I never realized that when I did need someone, I should have gone to him. He looks at me and makes me feel normal again. He sees the girl who doesn't get broken down - the girl who has a great head on her shoulders and only sometimes makes bad mistakes. He sees me for the person I was, for the person I am, and for the person I can be. He doesn't judge me. He's my best friend, and our life moving to New York wouldn't be possible if he wasn't doing it with me. He learned how to hold me up when I can't hold myself up. I've learned the same with him. Give and take sort of relationship with Branden, and I'm pretty proud of it. Except, currently it's on hold. He's off, doing something, somewhere. He's gone and I'm here. Which is okay because it's our routine and I'm used to it. He's still my everything, still my best friend, still someone who knows me inside and out.
I'm preparing for a summer run on the Warped Tour with my band, Delicate in the Decadence. I've been playing the Warped Tour for quite some time now. Six years or so. A few times with Jackson and my band. A few times with my own, current band. I'm pretty excited to be playing the main stage this year. I'm getting ready to work on some merchandise designs to bring out on the road with us. Also making some plans to take a weekend during Warped Tour to film a music video for one of our singles. So, New York is back to being home for the time being. Who knows what sort of trouble this place will have in store for me.
( janae technics )
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